Dear Diary (Companion Piece to I Should Have Known Better)
by misty23y
Summary: This is a companion piece to "I Should Have Known Better." After Bobby brings Stephanie to Point Pleasant, she begins meeting with a grief counselor to help her deal with her depression. Dr. Richardson suggests that Stephanie write in a diary so she can see her thoughts and how they change over time. Best to read simultaneously with ISHKB.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.**

 **Warning: Adult language, adult situations**

 **Author's Note: This** **is a companion piece to "I Should Have Known Better." After Bobby brings Stephanie to Point Pleasant, she begins meeting with a grief counselor to help her deal with her depression over losing her baby and missing Ranger. Dr. Richardson suggests that Stephanie write in a diary so she can see her thoughts and how they change over time. I have written these thoughts to go along with the storyline. I do not have these entries beta-d. Like a diary entry, I want the mistakes to stay. I think it will make I more authentic. In some cases, her thoughts in her diary are different from the ones expressed in the story because there, she's sometimes residing in Denial Land, but here, she is completely honest with herself. I suggest you read "I Should Have Known Better" before reading these entries. I'll try to group them by chapter when posting. Let me know what you think. Thanks and a huge shout out to HermioneIncarnate for giving me this idea in her review. You rock, Babe.**

Entries Correspond to Chapter 2 of "I Should Have Known Better"

July 20, 2013

Dear Diary,

I feel really stupid writing in a diary. I mean, I'm a 33-year-old woman who is keeping a diary. How crazy! But, Dr. Richardson says that it will help me cope with losing my baby and missing Ranger. Bobby suggested her to me, and I like her a lot. She's down to Earth, cool, and doesn't think I'm crazy. She is trying to help me deal with my guilt for miscarrying. I know that I am partially to blame. I knew I was pregnant two weeks ago but never told Tank or Bobby. Had I told them when I found out the results to the at-home tests instead of waiting for the stupid doctor's appointment, I would still be growing my baby, Ranger's baby.

I think that's what makes it worse. The fact that I had a little piece of Ranger growing inside me. The guys don't say anything in front of me, but I see the looks they pass. The mission Ranger is on is a difficult one. They don't think he's going to survive. I try to keep my hope up, try to stay positive, but it's difficult. If Ranger doesn't return, I will have lost him completely. At least if I were still pregnant, I would have his child to love and cherish. The moment I realized I was pregnant, I started dreaming about what our child would look like. I pictured a little boy with latte skin coloring and Ranger's intense brown eyes. He would have Ranger's perfect hair, silky smooth and straight. I picture a mini-Ranger with my crazy personality. I'd be in so much trouble trying to raise him and keep him out of trouble. But I know, and knew, that no matter what happened, my Merry Men would be there for me, to help me raise Ranger's child if he weren't to return. Now, I don't have to worry about that. For years I said that I would never have children, never be a mother, but since being pregnant, that's all I can think about. Dr. Richardson said that it's normal, it part of my mourning process. All I know is that I can't wait to become a mother.

Ranger, Carlos, my love, wherever you are, be safe, don't get shot. I love you with all my heart and soul. I don't know how I can survive without you. Please come home to me, Carlos. I love you.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

July 27th, 2013

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I ran into Joe Morelli. I mean I literally ran into him. I was I a rush leaving TPD to get to the bonds office in time to get my check for bringing in Dougie and Mooner again when I bowled right into Joe on his way inside. He caught me before I fell. We spoke for a few minutes about incidental things, like the weather and the Yankees. Then he asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I agreed to meet Joe at his house at six. He was picking up Pino's; he asked me to pick up the beer.

We started off the night just sitting together and talking. I told him how I was working for Rangeman full-time. How the guys were training me in the gym and the gun range. I showed him by carrying concealed permit and my ankle holster. He was impressed that I was carrying two guns and a knife. Hector has been training me in knife skills while teaching me Spanish. I've been helping him with his English. He's not as scary as I originally thought.

Then, half-way through the Yankee game, we started kissing. I guess my Hungarian hormones took over because before I knew it, we were in Joe's bed having sex. I had my last social orgasm eight months ago before Ranger left. I guess I needed to have another one. After we have sex a couple of times, we fell asleep. When we woke up, I was on my side of the bed facing the window, and Joe was on his side facing the door. We weren't touching. Huh. Whenever Ranger and I have shared a bed, I always woke up on top of him or spooned together with him. I'm not going to think about that too much. The sex was very good, which is all that matters. I wonder if this means that Joe and I are "on" again? I guess today will tell.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

September 23, 2013

Dear Diary,

Joe and I have been dating since July, and things have been pretty good. However, I feel that we are falling into our same, unhealthy pattern as before. I spoke to Dr. Richardson about it today during our session, and she suggests that I bring up the topic with Joe. She said that there is no way that we can have a healthy, committed relationship if we aren't open about what we want and if we aren't willing to compromise. Therefore, tonight I'm going to bring up the topic.

Joe needs to understand that I am not the typical Burg woman. I will NOT be a housewife. I will NOT be barefoot and pregnant popping out a litter of Morellis. I will NOT be a stay-at-home soccer mom. I want to work. I want to work for Rangeman with my brothers. Yes, my Merry Men are my brothers. They are the first group of people to accept me for who I am. Once I got over my stubbornness, I realized that all they ever wanted me to do was become better at my job, to gain skills that I need to help me survive. They didn't want to change me or make me quit; they only want me to be more formidable. With their guidance and support, that's happening. I love my Merry Men.

Joe doesn't understand the relationship I have with my guys. He thinks that all they want to do is fuck me. I'm sure that I the star of some of their fantasies, they will never act on their fantasies because of their respect for me. Not to mention Tank would take them to the mats and probably kill them. Now, don't think of me being conceited or arrogant. I had overheard them talking a few times, discussing what they dreamt about the night before and what they wanted to do to me. Even though I love Ranger, and in some way love Joe, I do sometimes fantasize about them, too; especially Lester, Bobby, Vince, and Hector (even though I know he's gay, he's still super hot).

Every night before I go to bed I still talk to Ranger. I tell him how my day has been, who I've gone after, keeping him updated with the latest gossip. I wonder where he is, if he's hurt, or if he's thinking of me. I end my conversation by telling him that I love him and hope he comes home to me soon.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

September 24, 2013

Dear Diary,

My talk with Joe went better than expected, he agreed to many of the things that I need. For the first time in a long time, I have hope that we could make it. I still know that if Ranger came home tomorrow, I'd drop Joe in a heartbeat and run into his arms. But, from the whispers that I hear between BLT, things aren't looking good for Ranger.

While I love Joe, my love for him is more of a brotherly type of love. I think of him the same way I think of Lester and Bobby. I know that I'm not fair to Joe, but I think, with time, I could learn to love him completely. I know that if it is true that Ranger isn't coming home, then I could give my heart completely to Joe. I guess we'll see where our relationship takes us. It's easy to agree on conditions, but to live with those conditions is a little harder.

Carlos, wherever you are, know that I love you and have loved you for a long time. Please be safe. I pray for your safe return every night so that we can have our someday. Please, Ranger, come home to me. I love you, Carlos.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

April 4, 2014

Dear Diary,

Oh, fuck! I think I'm pregnant with Morelli's kid. I don't know how the fuck this happened. I am on the fucking shot. I shouldn't be pregnant! Besides, I always make Joe wear a condom. Did he fuck with the condom? Did he fuck with my injection? That's stupid; he can't fuck with my injection when the doctor gives it to me in her office. What am I going to do?

I'll wait until I see my doctor confirming my pregnancy before telling Joe. I'm not sure how he's going to react. I mean, things have been pretty good, but I feel like we are drifting away again. I don't want to trap him into marrying me for the sake of this baby. Tonight we are going to Rossini's, for dinner. He never takes me out to eat. I wonder what's on his mind. I'm doing a stakeout with Lester today. I love partnering with Lester. He understands my need for food and noise. I don't have to sit quietly staring out the car window all day long. With him, we have conversations, joke, and laugh, while still getting our man (or woman).

Ella's going to help me get ready. I have to make sure my hair is presentable. That means, eight soft, perfectly formed curls or straight hair. I often put my hair up in a twist, so it stays neat. Tonight, Ella said she'll curl my hair for me. I'm nervous. I think Joe my propose. It will be his third proposal since January, but the first not in bed after we fucked. If he does ask, I'll say yes, but only because of the baby. I'm still not ready to be Mrs. Morelli, but the baby needs to have a Mommy and a Daddy. Please don't be a proposal. Who am I kidding, it better be a proposal, so I don't have to listen to my mother harp on me any longer about being a disappointment to her. Fuck my life.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

April 21, 2014

Dear Diary,

My life sucks. It's official. God hates me, karma hates me, and my life fucking blows. Ranger returned today. He's alive. The love of my life is home, safe and sound. And I'm fucking engaged to Joe Morelli. Why me? The minute I walked onto the control this morning I felt Ranger's presence. As I walked past his office, he pulled me into it, closing the door before kissing me senseless. I wanted nothing more than to rip off his clothes and make love to him right there and then. While kissing me, he took my hands in his and felt the ring. He stopped his kisses, looking down at my engagement ring. He became cold, with his blank face slamming down. He asked when we got engaged when we were getting married, and if I was happy.

How can I tell him that I'm miserable? How can I tell him that I am willing to break my engagement, but I can't because of a life that I'm carrying that belongs to a man that I don't love? How can I tell him that I caused his child to die before it was even born?

Work was torturous today. I was glad to get out of the building. Lester knew that I was conflicted and hurt. He tried his best to comfort me, to tell me just to break things off with the cop but no one knows I'm pregnant. I know that I should tell someone, especially after what happened last time, but I can't. I want to live in Denial Land a little longer. I keep hoping that by the time I go for my appointment a week from Friday I'll have gotten my period. Then, I can break off my engagement to Joe with no guilt, giving my heart to the only man who holds it, giving myself completely over to Ricardo Carlos Manoso, mi amor, mi vida, mi corazon.

Joe senses that something is wrong. I can't tell him how I feel. He won't understand. I only told him that Ranger is back, but headed off to Boston. It was an emotional day for all of Rangemen to have him back. He accepted my response; if only he knew.

Ranger, wherever you are in Boston, know that I love you, that you have my heart. I hope that someday, we can be together as we were always meant to be. I love you, Carlos.

Stephanie


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.**

 **Warning: Adult language, adult situations**

Entries Correspond to Chapter 3 of "I Should Have Known Better"

May 4, 2014

Dear Diary,

On Friday I confirmed my pregnancy with my ob/gym, Dr. Mitchell. When I arrived home, I prepared dinner for Joe and I. After dinner; I told Joe I was pregnant, due in December. I thought I saw a flash of annoyance and anger, but then he was excited. He picked me up and spun me around. He kissed me deeply. Then, he carried me up to our bedroom where we had sex all night long. When we woke up yesterday morning, he suggested that we had to Newark to get married today. This way, when we told our families that we were expecting, we could circumvent all the bitching and moaning that they will do because we weren't married. He said Mooch's cousin was a priest and could do the ceremony.

I had gotten an annulment after my divorce from Dickie, so I was able to get married church again. I called Mary Lou and asked her to go to lunch. Once I picked her up, I told her that Joe and I were eloping and wanted her and Mooch to stand for us. We quickly went to Macy's to get dresses, then met Joe to go to Newark. The priest was nice, and the ceremony was simple. However, because this was MY wedding, all Hell had to break loose.

Right at the end of the ceremony, when we were getting ready to leave, another family walked in for baptism. Little did we know that it was Ranger's sister's son who was getting baptized and that Ranger was the Godfather. When I heard him say 'Babe,' I almost collapsed. There was so much pain in his voice, in that one word. I had to put on my happy face, even though I was miserable. Then to see Julie, mi Cielito, with her father, so confused as to what was happening. She knew I loved her father, we e-mailed and talked frequently. She knew, or at least guessed, that her father loved me. She was certain we were going to be a family. Now, I was not only breaking my heart and her father's heart, but also hers. We spoke for a few minutes before leaving to get back to Trenton in time to go to dinner with our families.

Now, I have to go into work tomorrow and announce to my brother's that Joe and I eloped and that I'm pregnant. I think Ranger already figured that out. I have also decided that tomorrow is that day to tell Ranger about our child. He needs to know how badly I fucked up.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

May 5, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today was a day from Hell. I could tell my brothers were disappointed that I married Joe, though they were excited to hear that I was pregnant. Then I decided to tell Ranger about our baby. When I finished telling him, he held me in his arms, reassuring me that I was not at fault; telling me that he still loved me. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I did, and he did as well. When Tank woke us up, I was disappointed. I didn't want to leave Ranger's arms, but I had to leave. Joe had some big, important dinner to go to, so I had to get ready.

I arrived home and took a shower. I was planning on wearing my hair curly, but then Joe made his comment about looking proper, so out came my straightener. Now, he wants me to straighten my hair permanently. The dinner went well. I really liked Captain Malone, Agent Whitman, and their wives. However, Joe was annoyed at me because they wanted to talk about my bounty hunting exploits and Ranger. I couldn't help but get excited while talking about Ranger. I tried to curtail my excitement a little bit, but I don't think I succeeded.

When we got home, Joe tied me up. I sort of enjoyed it. I don't trust Joe. He made it good for me and didn't do anything I didn't want so that I may try it again, but I'm not sure. I think he was trying to punish me for talking about Ranger. I mean, he passed a few comments about me being an embarrassment to him. He also commented that I might be getting a gift certificate for a boob job for my birthday. Really, Joe? A gift for him on my birthday for something I don't even want. I'm happy with what I got, well, maybe I would like bigger tits, but I'm not about to let a plastic surgeon give them to me.

He finally fell asleep, so I was able to sneak away to write down my thoughts. Carlos, I miss you. I miss the feel of your arms around me. When I go to sleep at night, I dream about you and me, how we made love all day and all night, how you complete me. I love you, Carlos.

Stephanie


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.**

 **Warning: Adult language, adult situations**

Entries Correspond to Chapter 4 of "I Should Have Known Better"

June 26, 2014

Dear Diary,

Today I had my sixteen weeks prenatal appoint with Dr. Mitchell. Joe said that he was going to meet me at her office. When I arrived and didn't see him there, I knew that he wasn't going to show up. I checked my phone to make sure that I didn't miss any messages from him, but alas, he didn't bother to call. I don't know why I'm surprised. I mean, since the night of the dinner, he has become more distant, meaner, and disconnected with me. The sex is horrible, rough and satisfying, at least for me. When I go to the back to meet with the doctor, she tells me that I'm doing great. Well, it seems that I can keep a baby safe.

Ranger asked me to tell him how my appointment went. I considered calling him once I got home, but when I looked at the time, I had to hustle to get dinner ready so it would be on the table at six sharp. When we rode down the elevator together, all I wanted to do was to lean up against him, feel his arms wrapped around me, his scent enveloping me, but I can't give in to those desires. I belong to Joe now; he's my husband.

Joe didn't arrive home at six as I was expecting him. I checked my phone, but no text, no message. At six-fifteen, I was too hungry to wait any longer. If Joe is pissed that I ate without waiting for him, he'll have to deal. I'm sixteen weeks pregnant, and I was fucking hungry. He didn't show up until almost ten. He didn't give me an excuse or reason. I've learned long ago not to call him. The one time I called him when he was late, he was so angry at me.

 ** _Flashback_**

 _It was the day before Valentine's Day. I just finished dinner at five-forty-five. I'm so proud of myself. The pot roast was cooked to perfection, the carrots were delicious, and the mashed potatoes were smooth. I made my first complete Burg dinner. I look at the clock, noticing that it's six-thirty and he's not home yet. I decide to wait another fifteen minutes before I call him. Then at six forty-five, I decide that I can't wait for Joe anymore. I call his cell phone._

 _"_ _ **Hello,"**_ _Joe says, obviously out of breath._

 _"_ _Joe! You're okay. Thank goodness. Are you going to be home soon? You're late."_

 ** _"_** ** _Damn it, Cupcake. You made me lose my guy. Don't you ever call me? I'll call you if you need to know something."_** _Joe said before hanging up on me._

 _A half an hour later, he walked in the door. "Why did you call me? I lost the I guy I've spent the last three days looking everywhere for. Then, you called as I was about to apprehend him. Now, I have to explain to the Chief why he's still at large."_

 _"_ _Joe, I was worried. You are never late. I thought something happened to you. You could've called or texted to let me know you were running late. Then I wouldn't have called you."_

 _"_ _Listen, Cupcake; I'm not on set schedule. If I'm home on time, I'm home. If not, I'm not. Just NEVER call me again, unless you're life is in danger. Understand?"_

 _"_ _Why are you so unreasonable?"_

 _Joe was angry. "Get upstairs, now, Cupcake."_

 _"_ _No. You are going to answer my question." I reply, standing firm. He picked me up and carried me to his bedroom. He threw me on the bed before climbing on top of me._

 _"_ _You do not question me. What do I need to do to make you understand your place, Cupcake?" He pulled my jeans and panties off. Then, he took off my top and bra. He flipped me on my stomach. I saw him reach inside the drawer of his end table, pulling out a dildo. He also pulled out a tube of lube. He put the lube on the dildo, then shoved it in my ass. "Ouch. Stop, Joe, that hurts. Get that out of me."_

 _"_ _No, you need to be punished, you need to learn your place. Now, turn yourself around so you can suck my cock while I fuck your ass."_

I had no choice put to comply to his wishes. Once he came, he stopped, but I was sore for two days. I couldn't sit down. I often ask myself why I stayed after that night, why I didn't leave, but the only reason I can give myself is that I felt that I didn't deserve to be happy. My chance at happiness was gone when Ranger never returned. Me not taking care of our baby, that was why I stayed. I felt I deserved this life, and I still feel that way. Ranger is too good of a man for me; he doesn't deserve me.

Now, I have to sit here and wait, wait for Joe to come home or for one of my friends to be at more door, telling me he's been injured or is dead. My dear Carlos, I love, you, please don't leave Trenton. I won't survive without you in my life."

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

June 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

The last day and a half have me on an emotional roller coaster. After Joe finally arrived home on Thursday night, safe and in one piece, he asked me to model my dress for the big fundraiser last night. I hated the dress, but I had to go shopping with Val and my mother. They both loved the dress, so I know it is "Burg," which means Joe will like it. He gave the dress his approval. When I went to change out of it, I decided to surprise my husband and put on a sexy new teddy that I'd purchased with him in mind. I made my way down the stairs, ready to seduce my husband. He took one look at me, then dismissed me in favor of a game. I was crushed and hurt. I went back to our room and changed into my pajamas, his t-shirt, panties, and boxers. I curled into a ball, crying myself to sleep. I kept thinking about how Joe no longer finds me attractive, how our sex life is non-existent except when he has a hard-on. I'm forced to give him blow jobs all the time, but he rarely gives me an orgasm. Since I told him I was pregnant, he's barely kissed me or touched me. When we have sex, it's all wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. No foreplay, no dirty talk, no whispering of sweet nothings. What am I doing? Why I'm I staying with him?

The baby. That's why. Then, the next morning, I told Ranger about my attempt to seduce Joe. What was his response? That I don't have to stay with Joe, that he will help me, that he will take care of me. He apologized to me like this is all his fault. I don't deserve Ranger in my life. I had to leave work early to get my hair done by Mr. Alexander. He straightened my hair for the night. When I told him I wanted a Brazilian straightening treatment, he almost cried. "Stephanie, why do you want to get rid of your beautiful curls? They are you, in every way."

"Joe doesn't like them. I don't have time to straighten my hair daily."

"Well, Joe is an ass. I can fit you in next week. How's that?"

"Fine. Thank you."

Then, when we arrived at the fundraiser, Joe dragged me over to Uncle Joe, only because Ranger was talking to him. He had to shove it in his face that I was with Joe and not Ranger. To give Ranger credit, he didn't back down. It broke my heart to realize how much Julie still hoped that her father and I would get together. The highlight of the night, though, was dancing with Ranger. I felt like we were the only two people in the universe. We both forgot where we were. No words were spoken, but our bodies spoke to each other. I didn't want the moment to end. I know we were seconds away from giving in to the passion that's between us, seconds away from announcing to the Burg how we feel about each other, seconds away from causing World War III, but then the clapping began. I needed to get away from Ranger, and he from I. Thank God for Lester. We danced, and once again, I felt free. I remember what he told me while we were dancing, "Beautiful, Carlos loves you more than anyone else in the world, more than Julie, more than his mother and his sisters. You are his everything. He's miserable without you. When you are in the same room as him, or even in the building, he's a much happier man. I saw that beautiful smile, that twinkling in your eyes that I've missed for so long while you were dancing with my cousin. Stephanie, if Joe is hurting you in any way, even if it's not physically, please don't stay with him. You and Carlos need each other. Leave Joe and go somewhere far away from Trenton with Carlos. I promise you, Beautiful; you will never want for anything. Carlos would give you the world if he could. He has enough money that you can live wherever you want and never have to work another day, either of you. Please, Stephanie, don't stay with Joe for the baby. The results could be detrimental to you, Beautiful. I love you, as a sister, and I don't want to see you hurt. Please, Stephanie, let us help you."

That night, I was told by Uncle Joe, Daddy, Lester, Ranger, and Manny to leave Joe, that they all support me and have my back. Why don't they understand I can't do that? Why don't they understand that this is my penance for losing killing my baby?

Stephanie


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.**

 **Warnings: adult language, adult violence, sexual encounters**

Entries Correspond to Chapter 5 of "I Should Have Known Better"

July 24, 2014

Dear Diary,

I'm having a boy! Yes, a baby boy! While I'm thrilled at the thought of having a boy, I'm petrified that he will turn out like Joe and other Morelli men. I have to break that cycle. Ranger took me to my appointment and waited for me after, considering the Joe was too busy to join me. We decided to go to Pino's after, with Lester, Bobby, and Connie joining us.

I was excited about Connie's engagement. Luis is a good man. He'll treat her the way she's meant to be treated, and he understands her Family's dynamic. Before our food arrived, Joe showed up, and Pino's so he could yell at me and belittle me in front of my friends and colleagues. I couldn't stay there; I was too embarrassed. Ranger left with me, with our food, and we walked through a pretty park in Princeton. While there, we talk, and he once again tells me I don't have to stay with Joe. He even offers to adopt my son and raise him the way Ron raised Julie. I'm overwhelmed. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I should leave Joe.

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

July 26, 2014

Dear Diary,

Joe is getting crueler and meaner to me. The other night, after I had lunch with Ranger, he hit me for the first time. When I arrived home, we were waiting. Not only did he hit me, but he tied me up, fucked me, then pushed himself in my backside. I forced myself not to cry out, but it was so painful. Then, I had to make him dinner, which it did. He wouldn't let me eat with him; I had to watch him. When he had enough to eat, the threw out the rest of the food and spilled oil all over the floor. I had to clean everything before I could eat. I never got around to eating, because just as I was about to make myself a sandwich, he walked in the door. I was then forced to allow him to use my body for his satisfaction. I've been reduced to nothing more than a whore. Lula was treated better when she was a 'ho then I'm being treated by my husband. I had not slept, because he works me up bright and early the next day so I could give him three more blow jobs. I called Rangeman to send someone to pick me up. Ranger arrived, and I swear, he was ready to find Joe and kill him when he saw the bruise on my face. I don't know how I managed to talk him down. All I know is that I woke up in Bobby's exam room, tucked in on the bed there. They both tried to pressure me into giving them all the dirty details, but I refused. If I tell them, then it's real. Joe does love me, doesn't he?

Stephanie

 **XXXXXXXXXX**

 **Author's Note: I am glad that you are enjoying the insight into Steph's psyche. I am not a mental health professional, nor do I have any first hand or second-hand knowledge of depression or other mental health problems. Everything is completely a figment of my mind and what I have seen depicted on television. If I am way off the mark, I apologize.**

 **I'll post the next chapter of "I Should Have Known Better" tomorrow. I promise, even though we aren't near the 190 review mark. So, please review away. If we can get to 20 reviews here and 190 reviews on the other story, I'll post it today. It's in your hands now.**

 **Also, I do not have this story beta-d. I feel that as diary entries, the writing shouldn't be perfect. I use the "Grammarly" app as my sole source of editing, so any mistakes are all mine. Eventually, I'll read through a self-edit any major mistakes. I've been looking up the dates, so days of the week are accurate for the year in the story.**

 **Do you know what Ranger or Joe is thinking? Let me know. Ranger and the other Merry Men have been seen by Dr. Richardson so that they wouldn't be opposed to "Journaling" (much more masculine sounding than "diary writing).**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Anything familiar belongs to JE.**

 **Warning: Adult language, adult situations**

Entries Correspond to Chapter 6 of "I Should Have Known Better"

August 13, 2014

Dear Diary,

I hate my life. What did I do to deserve this horrible life that I'm stuck living? I have a mother who hates everything about me, constantly putting me down and siding with everyone else. I have a husband who ignores me except when he needs my body to satisfy his body. My best friend, boss, confident, and love of my life I can't confide in because I don't want him to kill Joe. I don't know how much longer I can deal with my life. Right now, it's the knowledge that I'm growing a baby inside me that is keeping me alive. I already killed one baby by not being smart and proactive; I refuse to allow another child of mine to be hurt before he is even born.

I am trying to do everything right, trying to keep Joe happy, but I don't seem to be succeeding. Joe is out to make my life as miserable as possible. My only relief has been my showers, when I can live in my mind, remembering what it was like when Carlos was my lover; when he filled me with his seed. Carlos is the perfect lover, attentive, caring, animalistic, passionate. No matter how we made love, it was magnificent. He would always ask if I was okay or if he hurt me if we were unusually rough. He never wanted me to go without a release, Carlos would hold off on his release to ensure that I was thoroughly sated. In the shower, with the massager, I can image his hand, mouth, lips, tongue, running along my body, his beautiful, strong cock inside me, and I call out his name when I have my release. Unfortunately, Joe heard me the other day. Let's say that I'll never have another orgasm in my life. He took out the massager and replaced it with a fixed shower head; then he raped me. Joe's punishment is anal sex, over and over again. He's always rough. I'm having a hard time not crying out in pain. When he finishes, I can barely sit down. I know I haven't used that word before, but I am beginning to realize that Joe is raping me every time he forces himself on me. Bastard. But, I still can't leave him because this baby is his. If only I can get some reason to divorce him, something that will blame him, make him wrong, then maybe I can escape. Carlos and the BLT crew have offered to track Joe, hell, Hector offered to follow Joe around personally, but I won't let them do that. Maybe I'm in Denial Land, maybe I don't want them to be the ones to tell me, but I know Joe will fuck up. I only hope that I'm still alive when he does.

Stephanie

XXXXXXXXXX

August 20, 2014

Dear Diary,

Carlos has been in Miami this past week, for Julie's quinceanera, and Joe's been a little nicer to me. He hasn't raped me; he allowed me to have an orgasm. I didn't have to fake it. On Saturday, my mother, Valerie and Mrs. Morelli threw me a baby shower. It was a nice day, and Joe came to pick up all the gifts to bring them home. I still haven't told him we are having a boy. I refuse to give him any information about this baby until he starts to show some genuine interest in his child. I had to stop myself from revealing to the entire Burg that the baby was a boy when I saw all the pink and blue. At least I know that I won't need half the clothes.

On Monday, I had to take off from work, because my wonderful mother (note the sarcasm) decided to schedule the delivery of the nursery furniture during my work hours. Thankfully, Tank was fine with me taking the day off. When I walked into Rangeman yesterday, I found out that my brothers had thrown me a baby shower as well. I was so overwhelmed by their thoughtfulness, and their gifts were truly perfect. They got me the top of the line car seats, the safest ones on the market. Ella made a beautiful diaper cake. The best gift, though, was the return of Carlos. The Burberry diaper bag filled with baby supplies was pretty awesome as well. He had the bag personalized with my initials, so it is non-refundable. Take that, Joe. The Merry Men packed up my car and brought all my gifts home, putting them away for me. Hector installed one of the car seats in my car. He said that it was never too early to be safe. The Core Team gave my son Rangeman uniform. I know I need to hide that gift, Joe will definitely not appreciate it.

When Joe arrived home, he was angry at first, until he realized that the car seats really were the top of the line and that gift was typical shower gifts. I told him the diaper bag was from the Core Team. If I would've said it came only from Carlos, well, I don't even want to think about that punishment.

Stephanie

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September 2, 2014

Dear Diary,

I approached Joe with the idea that I would work for Rangeman part-time from home after the baby was born. He flipped out. He got angry, reminding me that I agreed to stay home after the baby was born and not work. He doesn't understand how miserable I will be. I'm not cut out to be a housewife. I hate cleaning; I dislike cooking. I probably won't mind caring for my son, but to be stuck home every day, to only be able to communicate with other adults at the store or family dinners? That image gives me the chills.

When I told Carlos that Joe wouldn't let me work, he immediately became concerned once again, asking if Joe was hurting me physically. I can't bring myself to tell Carlos about how Joe rapes me multiple time every day. If I tell Carlos, he'll kill Joe. I once again break down in front of Carlos, and he enfolds me in his strong arms, and for a few minutes, I can pretend that he is mine and I am his. Then reality sets in, and I remember that I belong to Joe.

Then, out of the blue, some hoochie momma from the coffee shop near the station comes in, telling me that she's pregnant with my husband's child; that they enjoyed a vacation in NYC when I thought he was working in Maryland. How many lies has he told me? How many signs have I ignored or miss? I noticed her lipstick, and it looks familiar. I realized that her shade is one of the shades that I've seen on his shirts. Fuck me! What did I ever do in my life to deserve to be treated so poorly? I looked at Gina and saw here as a woman worthy of Joe. With her perfect blonde hair, perfect makeup, and a larger chest, she's the type of woman that Joe wants me to be. I mean, he's even hinted at me getting a boob job and dying my hair blonde, in addition to getting rid of curls. He wants me to look like Gina, and in turn, Terry. I wish I were enough for him, that I was his ideal, but I'm no one's ideal. I'm just a plain girl from the Burg who is a disaster.

The only positive thing about Gina's confession is that I will get proof of Joe's infidelity, that I'll be able to break free from him and NOT be the bad guy. I allow Carlos and his Merry Men to gather the evidence I need to either force Joe on the straight and narrow or to allow me to leave Joe so that I can raise my son free from the Morelli curse. Carlos says he'll be there for me, always, but I won't get my hopes up. I mean, what man wants to raise the child of another man? Two more weeks until I know how fucked up my life has become.

Stephanie

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September 16, 2014

Dear Diary,

I am a horrible wife. I am a horrible lover. I am a horrible woman. Those are the three phrases that have been coursing through my brain and my heart for the last two weeks, since that day the Gina Canestro came strolling into Rangeman to tell me that my husband was fucking her, and is expecting a child with her. Even though Carlos was there, as always, to pick up the broken pieces, there is no way that everything he said to me is true. I mean, even he couldn't commit to me.

I've had enough of Joe. I plan on leaving him, moving into Rangeman, at least temporarily, to get away from my jackass of a husband. I want him to give up any claim to this child that I'm carrying that we made. I want this son of mine to know how to treat a woman, how to be faithful, kind, loving, and caring. How to show his emotions but still "be a man." That is something that both Carlos and Joe are lacking. However, I will not allow this son to grow up to be the typical Morelli man. Even if I have to run away with him, I will. There is nothing that I could do that would be too much for my son.

I'm conflicted about Carlos. Two weeks ago, he told me that he loves me, wants me, only me. While I know that those sentiments are true for Carlos, I'm having difficulty believing them from Carlos. He told me so many times that his life didn't lend itself to relationships, that his love didn't come with a ring, but a condom might come in handy, that he loved me, in his own way. All those qualifiers make me feel like I am inadequate, not enough to satisfy a man as perfect as Carlos, as perfect as Carlos.

Added to that, my mother has been telling me since as far back as I could remember that I am a screw-up, a fuck up, a waste. Joe never took the time to tell me he's proud of me. Even my sister isn't 100 percent in my corner. I think my dad supports me, but he never says much. Why is it that the only person in my life who was ever proud of me is Carlos?

Right now, the only thing I am sure of is that I want to leave Joe. After that, I'm clueless. There is a huge part of my heart and brain that is hoping that Carlos steps up to the plate, to make all those promises that he made those two days before he left to come true, but I refuse to hold my breath. While I settled for Joe, there will be no settling for anything less than Carlos's whole heart. If he were to reject me, my life would be over. I have already decided, should something happen to me, my son is to live with Carlos. If he doesn't accept him, then Lestor, followed by Bobby, lastly Tank. I know my guys won't let me down. Lester is my second choice because he is Carlos's cousin and the most emotionally "mature" of my brothers. Bobby follows because of his training as a medic. I only added Tank because I didn't want him to feel bad.

If Carlos rejects me, then my son will never know his mommy. I will not be able to go on without having Carlos by my side. I need all of him, not a "Friends with Benefits" arrangement. He once told me I held all the power, be he doesn't realize that power was always all his. One simple phrase, three little words, would have been all I needed to be HIS, for him to be MINE. But those words were elusive. Tomorrow will be the moment of truth. Tomorrow I will find out how much Joe fucked me over. Tomorrow I will find out if I'm worthy of love.

As Scarlet O'Hara would say, tomorrow is another day.

Stephanie

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September 17, 2014

Dear Journal,

My poor Babe. I'm sitting in my office at 0600 looking at the evidence collected during the last two weeks that prove Morelli's infidelity. Just in these last two weeks, he's fucked, ten different women. TEN! Then, he's returning to his house where he proceeds to rape Stephanie, all in the name of her performing her duties as his wife. Fuck him to Hell and back. When Steph agreed to us following Morelli around last week, we placed an audio tracker on his watch, which he always wears. This way, we'd have an audio track to go along with the video. Hector, wanting to make sure that Stephanie was okay, listened to their interaction one-night last week. When he made me listen to the recording, it took all my control not to go over to his house and beat him to a bloody pulp before cutting off his dick. I think Hector was having similar visions.

We heard Joe arrive home, calling for Stephanie. When she answered his call, he asked her if dinner was ready. She told him that she was extremely tired and fell asleep after getting home. She didn't have an opportunity to cook and ordered take-out from Pino's. He proceeds to yell at her, calling her an incompetent woman who was more concerned with trying to be a man than to be a proper wife. Then, he ordered her into the kitchen. We heard him throw away her food while he ate his. When he finished eating, he bends her over the table and fucked her anally. I heard her whimpering and apologizing. When he finished raping her, he demanded head from her. She complied, but we could tell that he was forcing himself deep inside her mouth, for she kept on gagging. After he had his second release, he moved the party to his bedroom, where we heard him tie her to the bed, before fucking her once again. He left her restrained while he went out to play poker, punishing her by not allowing her to eat. He returned at 0300 when he woke her up by raping her again, starting while she was still sleeping. That continued until he passed out at about 0430. When his alarm went off at 0600, he demanded another blow job from her before he showered and left for work. I'm sickened by his actions.

When Stephanie arrived at work, I asked her how she was feeling. She said she was exhausted but overall fine. She couldn't look me in the eye. I again implored her to confide in me, but she refused. She asked if we had enough evidence yet, but we didn't have anything usable at that point. When I told her, I could see the disappointment, the sadness, and the fear course through her body. All I wanted to do was kidnap her, taking her to an undisclosed location, giving us new identities so I could help her to escape Morelli.

Now, I have all the evidence I need to prove that Morelli is a fucking pig, a son of a bitch, and a lying, cheating bastard. I hope that my Babe can survive his betrayal, that she can escape his house after she confronts him without being injured or hurt. I need to find a way to convince her to allow me to be with her when she confronts Morelli. I can't lose her now when I'm so close to having her, to being able to claim her as MINE.

I open my top desk drawer and take out a picture frame. The image enclosed is one of Stephanie in that sexy black dress that she wore to Kinsey's father-in-law's award ceremony in Atlantic City. It was during Kinsey's rehearsal dinner that I allowed myself to admit that I was in love with Stephanie. When she was walking down the aisle towards me, I couldn't help but picture her in a wedding gown, walking to me, to become my wife. Fuck me! Why was I such an ass? Dios, please make this wonderful, sexy, caring, and loving woman come to me forever. Make sure that she can escape Morelli without being hurt.

I know that I will push Stephanie to stay in my building, preferable on seven, but if she chooses four, that's fine. As long as she is near me, and I can watch her and guard her, I'll be happy. I will make Stephanie mine; she will be wearing my ring, even if it means that I have to kill Detective Joe Morelli.

R

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 **Author's Note: Here you are, an update to "Dear Diary." I decided to throw in an entry from Ranger's POV, to find out what he's thinking. I was considering sharing JoMo innermost thoughts, but I don't think I want to know what he's thinking. While the majority of the entries will be Stephanie's, I'll have at least one entry from Ranger from now on. I expect to end writing the entries to Stephanie's and Carlos' marriage. So, a few more chapters to go. Please read and review.**

 **Remember, no beta, on purpose, so I apologize in advance for all mistakes. I'll edit and repost when I finish "I Should Have Known Better."**


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